The Harvard Hooligans

After stumbling upon our transformational video, a Dartmouth alumnus who calls himself the “Northstar Nerd” needs our help:

After reviewing his plea several times (once in slow motion), we are convinced that this man is already very cool.  His old-school gadgets would make James Bond jealous.

If this man decides to acquire an iPod, he will probably self-destruct with coolness.  The transition from “talk radio” to “Podcasts” is like going from cigarettes to heroin.  It’s simply not healthy to purchase an iPod if you’re over the age of 27.

My father (who is over 27) made the mistake of unwrapping an iTouch this Christmas.  He has not been the same since.  I sometimes hear him screaming at night because he can’t handle the “touch screen.”   He accidentally clicks on “dirty rap songs” instead of his beloved classical melodies.  Once a Spelling Bee champion, my father is now unable to spell his own name using the touch keyboard.

It’s sad to watch his decline. Our family’s medical bills will surely increase as the iPod causes my father’s hearing to further deteriorate; its mini-screen will soon blind him; and the psychological effects are yet unfathomable.

I therefore discourage the Northstar Nerd from making the same tragic mistake.