The Harvard Hooligans

Someday...

Harvard tends to emphasize mind over body.  Thus it abandons the Roman-Greco educational ideal of “mind et bodus” (“mind and body” for all you non-classics readers). This educational reform has led to our student body becoming ugly.  I have become particularly unattractive over the past few years as my skin failed to receive requisite amounts of sunlight needed for photosynthesis.  My eyes are less bright and more glazed like Homers’s after reading so many damn 19th Century English novels.  My biceps and pectorals have shrunk and taken refuge beneath baby fat formed from Chipotle ingredients.

One day, this girl who I love made fun of my reduced circumstances. As I was shoveling some clam chowder into my mouth, she decided to make a remark about how I was no longer the chiseled warrior I had once been.  “You’re getting fatter than a freshman girl,” she said.

The very next morning, I woke at sunrise and went to the gym wearing a yellow headband and a blue wristband and white tube-socks.  I have lots of sweat glands.

The torture machinery is located deep in the basement of the facility.  Several other meatheads were already grunting and smelling like armpits. One big fellow looked mean enough to have served as a guillotine executioner during the French Revolution.  I asked him if he wanted to “spot me” but he said no.

I did fifty sit-ups and six push-ups before heading home.  Call me Claudius Maximus.