The Harvard Hooligans

Harvard Hooligan – the wise leader of the Hooligans.

Housewife Hooligan—a very organized and meticulous dude. He did not like it when the other Hooligans sat on his bed for hours and used his pens as tiger fangs. A member of the US Junior National Rowing Team in high school, Housewife suffered a knee injury during his freshman year on Harvard’s heavyweight crew team. He converted his talent and strength into making a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Housewife became fat and mean as a washed-up athlete.  He once punched me face. Houswife majored in Government and hopes to be the first Jewish president of the United States.

Hillbilly Hooligan—a polite southern gentleman of a Christian disposition. He believes that all the other Hooligans will eventually end up in hell. As the football quarterback, Hillbilly led his high school team to the state championship in Georgia before getting recruited to play quarterback for Harvard’s football team.  He became disillusioned when no fans showed up to his college games. Hillbilly eventually retired his jersey and turned to acting in theater performances since football wasn’t helping him win any of the hearts of Harvard girls.  His Southern accent allowed him to overcome his lack of talent and land leading roles.  In his spare time, the Hillbilly likes to toss a football, pluck his guitar strings, and yodel.

Hunchback Hooligan—the son of a wealthy Swiss banker, Hunchback was from Europe and looked like a handsome version of Quasimodo. He considered becoming a profession violinist before attending Harvard. When he arrived on campus, however, many students made fun of Hunchback for his long flowing hair, expensive taste in wines, enjoyment of classical music, and disco-tech dancing. But the ladies loved him and invited him to be a model for various fashion shows produced by students each year.  Hunchback studied Economics to figure out what to do with all his family’s money.

Hog Hooligan—a sophisticated fellow who can tie his own bow-tie without even using a mirror. More charming than all the Kennedy brothers combined, Hog was one of the few of us who could woo women.  His dance skills helped him score the role of Pete O’Felia in the famous Hasty Pudding Theatricals show and his social skills allowed him entry in the Porcellain Club, the oldest and most secret of all secret societies at Harvard.  I got him drunk one night so now I know all the secrets too!

Hairy Hooligan—has a lot of hair on his head and chest and rear. Hairy was brilliant yet “academically unmotivated.”  He drank whiskey on the rocks. Online videos games distracted Hairy so much during his sophomore year that he failed most of his classes and was asked by Harvard to take a year off from school.  Nevertheless, he returned to school a living legend after climbing Mount Kilimanjaro with seven sherpas carrying all his gear. Hairy also became one of the few people in Harvard history to become a staff member on both Harvard Lampoon (a comedy publication) and Harvard Crimson (a non-comedy news publication).  These two organizations have a two hundred year rivalry that rarely permits dual citizenship. Within the Inner Sanctum of Lampoon Castle, Hairy partied with Paris Hilton, James Franco, Ben and Jerry of ice-cream fame, and Art Garfunkel.  Yet because he continued to struggle academically, it took Hairy six years to graduate.  I wish I had followed his extraordinary example.

Honorary Harvard Hooligan 2007: Will Ferrell

The remarkable and large Will Ferrell became an Honorary Hooligan in 2007.